Kate Middleton drama proves royal obsession Aussies can’t hide

The mystery of Kate Middleton’s whereabouts has been answered but there’s so much left to talk about in Australia.

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The impact of the months-long disappearance of Kate Middleton has been felt around the world.

The case of the missing Princess has caused a PR nightmare for the royal family, fractured relationships between the palace and leading press agencies, and sparked an international manhunt among websleuths.

It’s been an absolute disaster for the monarchy on its home turf, but in Australia, it’s been a bizarre success.

What the royal family may not realise, is what must feel like a complete catastrophe might have unwittingly advanced the cause of monarchists in one of the Commonwealth’s key realms.

Arguments over Australia becoming a republic have divided the nation for decades, but if there’s one thing we can all agree on as a country, it’s that finding Kate Middleton is the most fun we’ve had in ages.

She hasn’t been on Royal duties for months. Picture: CHRISTOPHE SIMON / AFP
She hasn’t been on Royal duties for months. Picture: CHRISTOPHE SIMON / AFP
It’s the argument that monarchists have been waiting for because the royals finally feel relevant again.

Yes, republicans have very important arguments against aligning with the monarchy – and Peter FitzSimons and his bandana have made the bulk of them – but the appetite for news on Kate’s whereabouts in recent weeks has proven that if we cut ties with the monarchy, we would just miss the gossip too much.

Aussies love to act like they don’t care about the royals, but we are hooked whenever they do something vaguely interesting.

When Harry and Meghan tied the knot in 2018, 1.9 million of us watched it on Seven.

When Meghan and Harry fled the royal family, we found anyone who described themself as a “royal expert” and invited them to appear on a morning show to give commentary.

When Prince Andrew did that bizarre interview with Newsnight in 2019, I think we all thought Tracy Grimshaw could have done an even better job of grilling him over his relationship with American financier and sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

We’ve all been glued to the Kate mystery and today our collective royal obsession reached new heights when we were gifted with the first sighting for her in months. In footage obtained exclusively by TMZ and The Sun, she’s been spotted in a carpark looking healthy with Prince William.

Kate has started a national conversation. Picture: Tim Rooke – Pool/Getty Images
Kate has started a national conversation. Picture: Tim Rooke – Pool/Getty Images
Kate and William are a Royal power couple. Picture: Jane Barlow – Pool/Getty Images
Kate and William are a Royal power couple. Picture: Jane Barlow – Pool/Getty Images
Is it enough to end conspiracies? Probably not.

We want a photo of her holding today’s newspaper so we know the date is accurate.

Fingers crossed, Middleton has cancelled her Adobe Photoshop subscription, and no changes have been made to the photo.

We don’t want perfect – we want proof.

As a country, it’s rare the bulk of us want to talk about something simultaneously.

Former Neighbours darling Holly Valance calling climate change activist Greta Thunberg a “demonic little gremlin” is up there, but that didn’t get us all chatting as much as missing Kate.

It has only been a few weeks since it dawned on everyone that Middleton had not been seen for a few months, apart from a few grainy photos taken from a long distance, and we couldn’t stop yapping about it.

Everyone had an opinion, a theory and a question.

No one has been this invested in discussing a scandal since Guy Sebastian was crowned Australian Idol and Shannon Noll was runner-up in 2003.

Sure, Sebastian could belt out Angels, but Nollsy was called Nollsy, and he had a soul patch. The results divided people; honestly, he can still get a Millennial dinner party fired up.

The Kate mystery has brought Aussies together. Picture: The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge
The Kate mystery has brought Aussies together. Picture: The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge
The Middleton mystery is just one of those sagas in which it’s hard not to get invested. Officially, she’s recovering from abdominal surgery. Unofficially, could she have fled the country, and is she secretly partying in Ibiza in a Hannah Montana-style wig?

Sure, she’s turned up in a car park, but where has she been?

All we know is that she hasn’t been officially out on royal duty since 2023. We need her back immediately and hugging newborn babies again so we can confirm she’s fine

Prince William’s reassurance isn’t cutting it.

How can we trust the man who broke Prince Harry’s necklace in what sounds like one of the most pathetic scuffles ever?

We simply can’t.

So, it has become our national pastime to share theories and discuss possible marriage issues that could have led to Middleton refusing to publicly show her face for months – only to remerge in a carpark like a spy in a low-budget Netflix film.

The mystery has brought Aussies together over something a bit juicer than the price of petrol or coffee.

And if we didn’t have monarchy status, we’d all look a bit nosy. In the immortal words of Pip Edwards after she was asked about her role in the Michael Clarke/Jade Yarbrough shirtless Noosa Park argument, we’d have to say, “This is not my circus.”

But we aren’t a republic, and so you know what? This is our circus, and we have demands!

I’m sure there are plenty of valid political reasons for Australia’s becoming a republic … but can we stay for the gossip? After all, it is bringing the nation together.